The so-so news...

On Thursday, Ainslie's Oncologist called and had some news from the Children's Cancer Group results. It wasn't super good news as far as I am concerned, but there was a slight up-side. First, she said, the group came back saying that Ainslie was only a stage 1. However, she wasn't sure that she agreed with them, but she said that was neither here nor there.....for those who don't know, cancer is stage in 5 levels, 1 being lowest and 5 the highest. So, a stage 1 was excellent news to me!!!
Then, she hit with the bad news..Ainslie's tumor has what is called anaplasia in it, which is not good. The way I understand it is that means it has a greater risk of returning or spreading....thud, that was my heart just totally dropping! Was she sure? Yes, she trusted this group over the hospital's pathologist because they see thousands of cancer cases every year, and they are considered the experts in the field. Basically what this means for Ainslie is a more extensive and more hard core treatment plan. So, now instead of the 18 weeks of chemo we were hoping for, she is now looking at 30 weeks of a more intense dose of chemo, AND 30 weeks of radiation.

I really can't explain how much Nick and I are worried. We pray that her sweet little body can endure all of that poison that they put in to her body, and that the crappy cancer will go away! I am scared, and I often find myself holding my breath and not knowing why. I find that I cannot focus on anything that anyone says, and when I have to talk I go on babbling, probably not making any sense. To be honest, it is much easier to talk in analytical or medical terms, than it is to talk about outcomes and how I feel. I am sad for her hair- it is sooo beautiful and long. She has agreed to a haircut, but isnt' too sure about eventually shaving her head, but I am sure she will come around. I told her I would shave my head too and so would daddy, so that made her happy. Now, I hope I have the guts to go through with it :) I might need to seriously psyche myself out when that day comes- I don't want her to be afraid to do it! It's just hair right??? Why am I so vain???

So, we meet with the radiologist on Monday to find out all about the radiation- how often, how much, how long? I am freaked that I won't understand everything he says and that I might screw something up along the way. Then, she starts chemo on Wednesday. Poor baby, I really hope she doesn't get too sick or too tired, but everything we read says she will and I hurt for her! I am angry for her!

I am also trying to figure out how to balance my "normal" life with my "child with cancer" life. Already I have an emmence amount of guilt. Will I spend too much time with Ainslie and leave McKyrie out? Will McKyrie miss out on part of her childhood with me in it because I feel the need to be with Ainslie more? Will Brecken miss out on having his mommy as much as the girls did when they were his age? Will he get sick of going from house to house every week? I can see McKyrie trying to be good about all of the attention Ainslie is getting, and I can tell it hurts her feelings. She knows that Ainslie deserves it, but she wants the attention too- I don't blame her. I was glad that she had a birthday this week because it balanced out the amount of gifts that Ainslie has gotten, but I can see it is still hard for her.

For now, we are surviving and managing. I'm sure next week will be a different story. Next week we start the treatment and Ainslie will no longer be a "normal" little 5 year old. Next week my Dad goes home and I have to cope with life with Brecken again :)