I have a sincere worry. Not the mama-bear, protect my kids and keep them in a bubble worry. The knot in your stomach, vomit in the back of your throat all the time kind of worry. I am worried that the cancer will come back..........
How long do I have to worry? Until her next tests come back? 6 months, a year? Will I have to worry her whole life? On days like today I wish I just had the "mama-bear" worries :) She has surgery tomorrow to have her port removed- nothing major-just a quick surgery really. Once the port is out she should be done with this whole cancer thing....but what if she isn't? I know, there are a lot of what-ifs that I could drive myself crazy with and I try not to let them creap in, but seriously....what if?
I am grateful for her health, and that she is cancer-free, and there is no reason to think it will come back- she has something like an 83% chance of being completely healed-that's pretty dang good if you ask me! That being said, every time she hurts or aches or can't sleep, I wonder if it is secretly growing inside her tiny body again, finding a new spot to grow. How will I know? I hate waiting for test results-3 months inbetween each one feel like an eternity---I sometimes wish I could have a quick little peak into the future- say 10 years from now or 20---that might help, or maybe it wouldn't haha!
I am grateful for prayers and for friends and family and for my faith. I am grateful for a very loving husband and for beautiful children. I am a truly blessed person--I just wish I didn't have this worry.
3 years ago
7 comments:
Elizabeth,
I know it's hard to feel this way, but cancer essentially punches you in the gut and leaves you breathless for a long time. I hope that you can find peace and more stability as more time grows between this challenge and the future. Keep plugging along. Hugs. And yay for Ainslie being cancer-free.
Amy Johnson
I can say from the experience with my sister and my mom, that at first you feel like there is never going to be a day that things feel 'normal' again.....and then one day, you smile as you fall asleep because you realize that you didn't worry or feel sick that day, you just had a 'normal' day. It isn't easy, it doesn't come quick, but it will come.... You are always in my prayers.
I can only imagine that I would be the exact same way. Which either makes us both normal or both crazy!!
I found your blog through Stephanie Walker. I have wondered how you guys have been since you moved from the area! So sorry to hear about the trials of cancer. By the way...Happy 35th! You don't look it, you look fabulous!
Miss your family. Glad Ainslie is doing well. Still, our prayers will stay with you.
Liz I am not sure if that feeling ever goes away. I went through it with my mom and Kristy's mom too. We never can know so I say treat every day as if it could, but also believe it won't. Positive thinking is what seemed to keep my mom alive for so long. Anytime someone mentions the "C" word, I get that feeling in my stomach out of instinct. I hope someday there is a cure and nobody has to go through what either of us, and so many others, went through. Love you girl!
I know how you feel. Since being hospitalized for a major blood clot I freak out any time I see a hint of a different color on my skin thinking that perhaps here we go again. It is hard. I am so glad you all made it through chemo and are on the mend. Love you guys!
Post a Comment