One Year Mark

I am sure that there are dates in everyone's life that they never forget.  Dates that you can remember exactly where you were and what you were wearing.  Dates when you kids were born, or when you got married.  My most memorable date is January 30th, 2011.  It was a Sunday.  It is the date that my life momentarily stopped.  The date that I felt more fear than I ever had before.  The date that we were told Ainslie had cancer. 

To be honest, I really don't remember what I was wearing.  I don't remember what anyone was wearing.  I can't picture most of the day.  I do remember stopping at church for some friends to give Ainslie a blessing for health and strength.  I remember thinking how unnecessary it was- she was fine- just needed to see a specialist, maybe have surgery and then come home.  The thought of cancer never crossed my mind.
I remember that Nick's cousin Melissa came and sat with us most of the day. It was a long day- and I remember thinking how nice it was having her there- having someone to keep the conversation going- to keep our mind off of waiting.  What were we waiting for anyway?  I remember telling her she didn't need to stay- that we were fine if she needed to go.  I am forever grateful that she stayed.
I remember that Nick's mom met us at Phoenix Children's to get Brecken and see Ainslie. I was so nervous about him being in the hospital because there were a lot of sick kids -he was barely 1.  I wanted her to leave as soon as possible with him so he wouldn't get RSV or the flu-the last thing I wanted was a sick baby.  I wish his mom could have stayed though- I feel bad for pushing her out.  I think she was more worried than I was at that time.

I remember the ER doctor coming and telling us that Ainslie definately had cancer.  I remember that the word floated over my head and hung there.  The doc was nice, I liked her a lot, and she had just said an ugly word.  Why did she say that word?  I was sitting on the bed holding Ainslie's hand and I didn't want her to see me cry...so I looked at the doc but she was crying.  So my tears fell out- on her shoulder as she gave me a hug.  They were brief.  The doc left and it was Nick and Melissa and I all sitting there with this ugly word to deal with. Cancer.
I don't remember the rest of the day very well.  Phone calls were made.  Arrangements for the other kids were made.  Melissa left at some point. We transferred rooms. Met new nurses. Nick and I held hands for a long time.  Pretty safe to say that we were both in shock :)  Tears were held in- they sat on the edge of my eyes until the nighttime.
January 30th is NOT going to be one of my favorite dates, but it certainly is one I will always remember.  It was a life changing day both good and bad.  I hope to never experience another January 30th ever, but if I do, I know that I can face it head on and with strength.
I look back at the last year (2011) and I think about how challenging it was-for all of us-Ainslie especially.  When we were going through it, we just did it.  It was what needed to be done.  It was hard at times.  It was natural at times.  And then it was finished.  When Ainslie was done with all the chemo, I was scared.  There were no more weekly visits to the doc, no more weekly lab draws, and those were my rock.  That was what kept me from being scared.  I had a doc and lab reports to tell me that everything was going well and as planned.  Suddenly, I didn't have that.  I know Ainslie was grateful to no longer have that, but for me, I felt uneasy.  I held my breath for 3 months after her chemo stopped until her first set of tests.  When we received those test results, I finally felt the fear melt away.
I am eternally grateful for Ainslie's good health and strength.  To see her now, you would never know she had cancer except for the short hair.  She has light in her eyes again and feist in her spirit and more than ever I appreciate seeing those in her. Although the entire experience was hard, I am grateful to say that we survived as a family.  I am grateful to know that we have such a strong support system- both in family and friends.  We are very lucky.  Ainslie is very lucky and very loved.   Good-bye January 30th- until next year:)